Girl! You got this.
I’m very sorry.
I’m very sorry you got hurt, I’m very sorry things didn’t turn out as you had hoped they would, I’m very sorry you feel as though you’ve wasted all that time on them… but you didn’t. && if I was able to take this pain away from you, I most definitely wouldn’t.
Not because I’m that cruel b*tch or because you deserve it, you won’t believe me right now, but I promise it’s going to make you better, resilient if you will.
“THERE IS A BLESSING IN THE STORM”
GIRL!.. or guy? You have to stop looking at this as an ending, it’s just a life lesson && even though you can’t see it at this very moment, I swear to you that this is a good thing.
The relationship didn’t work out for whatever reasons you feel… && you are, no doubt, allowed to feel it && talk about it. Whether you put weeks into it or years, you will have come away learning something about yourself… About LIFE! You still own the good times, those happy memories are always yours. BUT THOSE lows, && now rather than looking at them through rose-tinted glasses (blinders) of someone who wanted to SO BAD make it work, you can see them as they really were.
You need to take this as an opportunity to decide what you are willing to tolerate. Maybe they put you second (or third or fourth or fifth) on their list of priorities, maybe they had you convinced you were somehow less than them, maybe they were quick to anger, etc. etc., etc. None of these things are because of you. None of these happened because you deserve them and you are lacking. They happened because they are lacking. When healing from someone, you have thoughts like “I loved them more than I loved anyone, I never knew I could love someone so much, I’ll never love someone like that again..” Realize that your ability to love someone DID NOT come from them, it came from you. You were always a lover. && they most certainly didn’t give you the capacity to love, they just gave you a place to express it. I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES I’VE HEARD “SHAN, YOU CANT/YOU’LL NEVER LOVE AND BE LOVED AT THE SAME TIME…” by someone. Like there was something wrong with me, like I was defective. Most, if not all, of us are in some way damaged. No one is perfect, && we all have our internal demons (myself included). It’s going to be up to you to decide what you are willing to tolerate and what you deserve.
Often people think because they’ve invested time in a relationship it means that it has value. I HAVE been there! I can tell you with my hand, BOTH HANDS, on my heart that you are better off alone than with someone that doesn’t know how to love you correctly. I honestly hope that if you’re one of these people that you can see this sooner rather than later. A true revelation is when you suddenly realize that being alone is not the worst thing that can happen.
Crying when you are hurting feels great because it’s a release. && outpouring of emotion is satisfying, we all need it on occasions. Let yourself dive deep, deep, deep into it, feel every ounce of misery and wail at the top of your lungs! Then day by day, try to let that shit go! Pour every feeling, every bit of love into yourself because in order for you to heal… Your inner self is gonna NEED YOU! F*ck laying in a bed of tears && wallowing in misery listening to every sad song ever written for all eternity, change your perspective on this and it will forever change your life. This is a gift. (Ugh!! That afterglow from bawling your eyes out though… I wish that was permanent… JS!). Again, every good thing that happened while you were together is still yours. But now you get to move on gracefully with the knowledge to not make the same mistake again.
“They asked her, How do you deal with heartbreak? She answered:
Be intentional with your time, use it to heal and use it to see your wholeness, Listen to your need and truth, use boundaries to start fresh, let go of the tension you have been carrying and fill yourself with the love you have always wanted. Heartbreak does not need to be a sad ending, let this be an era of remarkable growth.”— yung pueblo | rebirth
As far as myself && my story, this isn’t about me… This is about YOU && GIRL, you got this! <3
HOMEWORK?
It is so important for us to understand that we have the power to shift our energy && brain chemistry! We have four main brain chemicals that are responsible for our happiness and our energy levels. They can be referred to as our ‘feel-good’ hormones && they are: dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, && endorphins. Below are descriptions of each and ways we can naturally create more of them in our brain. When we are going through hard times (a breakup being a big one!) it is especially important to get intentional about creating more feel-good chemicals in our brain.
Dopamine: activated by pleasure and reward
Ways to activate: Listen to your favorite song, dance, set a small goal (even setting an alarm and going on a walk) and reach it!
Serotonin: activated by mood, behavior, appetite, sleep
Ways to activate: Sit in the sun, create a gratitude list, walk outside, take a deep breath
Oxytocin: Activated by physical touch
Ways to activate: Hug a friend or shake someone’s hand, if you can’t hug a friend- hug yourself! Studies show giving ourself a hug or rubbing our own arm also activates oxytocin
Endorphins: activated by working out, increasing heart rate
Ways to activate: Exercise, run, belly laugh!
If the above aren’t up to par…
My personal favorite, ZOLOFT…