"I wish I knew I was doing the right thing!”

THERE WILL NEVER BE AN EXACT RIGHT

THING && NO EXACT WRONG THING, EITHER. THERE IS JUST ALWAYS GOING TO BE THE THING THAT YOU DO.

"I wish I knew I was doing the right thing!”

Your stomach turns with the weight of your indecision. Everything seems to be riding on the moment, the choice. Win or lose.

Do or die. Get it right or you’ll fuck it up forever.

Where is the guardian angel or the all knowing narrator? The genie in the bottle?

It's all on you && you've got no idea what to do.

But what if there was no exact right thing, && no exact wrong thing either.

You close your eyes && leap. You can just try to do the best you can. Given how fucked up && crazy && brilliant && lovely && impossible it all is; the best you can is no small feat.

It's human nature, you know?

We agonize && We worry. Our stomach clenches hot && tight imagining the potential implications of our choices.

But right && wrong is nothing more than an external value judgments grasping for a foothold in an intensely personal life.

SO THAT THING YOU DO?

THE THING THAT IS NEITHER RIGHT OR WRONG? YOU ARE ALREADY DOING IT. IN THE GRAND LEAPS && BOLD GESTURES. IN THE SILENT STILLNESS OF YOUR HEART. YOU ARE DOING IT, EVEN IF YOU AREN’T FULLY AWARE OF IT YET.

YOU’VE GONE DOWN TO THE DEPTHS && YOU KEPT YOUR HEART OPEN && YOU’VE  LISTENED TO WHISPERS TRAVELING ON HOT WINDS && YOU CONTINUED

MOVING; AT LEAST NOT FOR LONG. THE SPACES YOU INHABIT ARE TOO VAST TO SETTLE THEMSELVES WITH A LIMITING LITTLE BOX LABELED RIGHT OR WRONG.

Your commitment to your vastness matters way more than the little details of the choice itself. The complexities of that decision, the twists && turns of the path, the agony&& ecstasy that live intertwined in the craziest of spaces? These are important? Of-course they are, but not as much as the doing. What matters most is that you did it.

This is what will take you from here to there.

All that comes after that decision-

-no matter what it is

-is where lives change && journeys are launched && you laugh && cry && wail at the sky. This is the space where the remarkable && courageous live.

This is what will move you from the beginning to the ending && to the beginning again.

The audacity is inside the living, not in the choosing.

You are fearless enough to keep living—in the face of loss && pain && humility && gratitude && gifts && brilliance && confusion. This is the most amazing thing. Right or wrong will never be anything but small things in the place of your huge, intrepid spirit.

Each choice we make holds inherent reward && regret. How these balance out we cannot predict, not until long after the fact. Grant yourself the wisdom

of knowing this. The freedom from the constant pressure to do right && freedom from the anxiety-position of thinking any one choice can make everything better forever or everything wrong until the end of time.

&& either way, eventually, you'll come out of this—With the things you thought you did right && every last thing you worried you have done wrong.

They will just be done && they will have worked their alchemy on your soul && YOU WILL be in a different place.

Stronger &&  braver. More wise && nuanced && true.

Trust me. I know.

Of course—there are choices that carry inherent harm. Choices that exist outside of integrity && are dishonest && callous && insensitive. What I am speaking are the complexities of life && trying our hardest to do it without collateral damage.

We will fuck up. It gets messy, guaranteed.

But what I believed then (&& what I believe even more now) is that by living these choices (&& through them & beyond them) we create our lives.

I have faith it will be beautiful.