As we all know.… ‘Tis the season to count our blessings && be grateful. Something we’re often told, “you should be grateful." The assumption is, that we're not grateful. What we're not told is… How? More importantly, why should we be grateful?

This past year, I was on vacation with a friend && we met up with a group of people. One of them was burdened with the unfortunate talent of finding fault in any given situation.

We decided to treat ourselves to a fancy torchlit dinner at a local popular restaurant. It was one of that once-in-a-lifetime sort of over-the-top experiences.

It was an extremely muggy night, so we immediately ordered drinks to cool us down while we waited to place our food order. Very quickly, a waiter emerged balancing a black tray. Sitting on this tray, was a glass of golden wine so crisp that you could see the pearls of condensation forming. It was the first drink to arrive at our table. All eyes followed this glass until it was placed in front of Lady Misery. Rather than enjoying this small win, a frown fell upon her face.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't connect her expression with the scene. It was a chilled, clean && heavy pour of wine. The rest of the table had noticed her scowl && - judging from their expressions - were as puzzled as I was. Thankfully, someone in the group gussied up enough courage to ask because I needed answers:

“What’s wrong?” They asked. She looked at them indignantly, swatting her hand at the glass like it had just insulted her. “Well look at it! There is too much wine in the glass, it will get warm!”

At that moment, I so badly wanted to verbalise what everyone else was thinking… “Are you f*cking kidding me?”

There are those who see the full glass of wine && Then there are those, like her, who see a full glass && experience it as being empty or too full? 

Now it would be easy to dismiss her as difficult && spoiled. Sure. && It would be hard for me to invent a better example of first-world problems. So, why did I choose this story? Because she is beautiful && wealthy && healthy && loved. This woman has all the requirements most people believe are necessary to have a happy life, yet here she was, MISERABLE AF. This was not her first complaint, this was the story I chose to tell. Earlier that day was so beautiful && sunny but she chose to complain about how the weather looked the next day. Or the way the condo was built didn’t let the sun hit her just right at that time of day? Etc. etc. etc. && so many more etc. First, now you && I both know you never check the weather close to an ocean. There is always going to be a chance of rain… I learned that during senior trips. Second, I made sure I stayed far away from her for the rest of the day until dinner.

No matter how wealthy… healthy… loved… beautiful… lucky you are; or may become, it won’t matter unless you are a grateful person.

The problem is… Most of us are not. 

We have all experienced gratitude in some way or another. We’re grateful for the favorable results. We’re grateful for walking away from a near-death accident && we're grateful to someone who does us a favor. There is, however, a difference between experiencing gratitude && being a grateful person.

There are a few of us, myself not included, who are NATURALLY grateful people. That doesn’t make us bad people, it means that we suffer more than we need to. That suffering comes from life experiences && the way we perceive the world. That perception is shaped by our fears, anger, jealousy, && grief. We get trapped in narratives authored by the lesser angels of our nature. In other words… Much of our suffering is our own doing && the magic question is, WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES?!?

As people, we are wired to focus on things that pose threat. This is our negativity bias. Yet, we can't help ourselves but keep searching. Like moths to the flame. The more we search for it, the more we find.

This will gradually desensitize us to anything but the bad && if left unrecognized, we find ourselves dying of thirst even when our glass is too full. Chasing the next fix. Never enough. It's important to be grateful because we risk becoming increasingly, what I will call, ANTIGRATEFUL. 

You see, the grateful see a full glass, && are thankful. && the ungrateful see a full glass, && are indifferent or oblivious. But, the antigrateful will also see a full glass, && are resentful. As opposed to seeing the good or bad in everything, antigratitude is seeing the positive as a negative. It is when the negativity bias increases, gradually trapping yourself in perpetual pathological pessimism. Fun times!

There is a book I read, Power of Intention (highly recommend), that says gratitude can help counteract the effects of our negativity bias. It helps us see the world in a more positive light && improve our relationships with others, && ourselves – the list goes on. It seems that gratitude promises to be the cure for our negative nature.

The difference between a grateful && an ungrateful person isn't an attitude, character, or kindness. It is awareness. Whether it's due to being indifferent or oblivious, the ungrateful simply aren't aware of the good. That is why they suffer more.

Stop && noticing both the "little things" && things we take for granted, means we have to stop our automatic thinking. That is what it means to be a grateful person: someone who actively works to become more aware of the good things in their life. It’s a lot easier said…. I’m constantly reading or listening to audiobooks to help change my way of thinking. Journaling daily on positives I can take away from any of life’s situations that have been thrown at me. Get a notebook. Write down one original thing a day that you are sincerely grateful for. This can be something you have received, or something that you have given. Each week, take time to reflect on them. It takes practice && that doesn’t mean we’re going to get it right all the time….&& HOW ENTIRELY HUMAN OF US.