TAKE YOUR DAMN TIME…
There are people, who just jump.
Zero hesitation. Zero anxiety. Zero apparent fear. Just an approach && a leap. && absolutely no hold back letting go of solid ground. && Just like that. Just Like it’s nothing. LIke life will hold them, always.
&& there are some who won’t jump at all. Ones who prefer to keep their feet planted on solid ground or float in the shallows.
I’m not either one of those.
I jump—every single time.
But I’ve learned to take my damn time.
I’ll stand on the precipice forever, measuring the distance. I contemplate the sensation of free fall && the inevitable impact of body hitting water && the shock to the system of the cold && the way the water always knocks the breath out of me && goes up my nose. I’ll calculate the relative safety of what I’m about to do.
Yes, the whole thing terrifies me.
Others will jump 3, 4, or 5 times, && I’ll still be standing there thinking, in my head.
It’s not fear. It’s negative anticipation. A brain && body that struggles for control often refuses to relinquish its grasp on the now in favor of the forever.
But the transition space of the unknown is never not terrifying.
I can’t say that I like it, the terrifying reality of the in-between.
It is true that in my life I have almost always stayed far past the time I knew I was going to go.
We know long before we step off the edge.
We know we are going to leave, just like I know I’m going to leap.
I’ve learned the old me brought injury to herself && to others in her insistence on awarding points to the stubborn insistence on staying as if the staying itself could redeem all harm.
As if the ability to abide in space that no longer served or brought to life was how I would be judged in the end.
I had already left enough times to have branded myself a lover of running.
For the first time in my life, I have been in an intentional year period of self-love && celibacy. After years of long-term relationships, I needed that time to recenter, to heal from the woes of life, to find my way back to ME. I chose this life, lol && as hard as it was, in the beginning, to go from 15 years of having a life with a companion to spending nights in solitude with your own self, your thoughts. To find out who you REALLY are —— to now, where I’m completely self-aware && self-sufficient enough to know I got this, alone. How did I do it, you ask? Writing && reading && writing more && amazing side kicks to support me && my decisions of basically riding the wave to self-love && self-improvement. Taking this break was the best move I could have ever made. && I did so from a place of grounded sovereignty && deep intention. One can always jump from one relationship to another without hesitation, but for me, that would have never fixed the problem. Over the past year… Sure I’ve met people, some may be forever great friends… But I want TO TAKE MY DAMN TIME. I know how to stand on my own, && from that place I will only surround myself with ones who can move something deep inside of me && ground me deeper into myself. Figuring out what you want && what you don’t want. I’m still working on what I want… but I sure as hell know what I don’t want && that’s a start… Letting someone have access to you is a privilege, always.
A lot of ppl can’t be alone with themselves bc they don’t like who they are && they can’t face themselves. They can’t sit with themselves && figure it out so they are in constant need of someone… -somewhere on insta
