Sorry?

Forgiveness is a complicated subject && one that digs up a lot of different opinions, strong emotions, && oftentimes a lot of bruised hearts. Most all of us have been on both ends of forgiveness. We have most likely been in several situations where we offered our apologies to someone we have caused pain to, && all of these times looking a little different from the rest. We offer our sorry’s in small bursts, laughing at our own embarrassment. Or even maybe through long conversations, punctuated by tears && hard embraces.  We likely have had to swallow our pride to get our relationships with ones we love back on track, && write long, heartfelt letters when our words wouldn’t come out or were not enough. Some will argue that the act of asking for forgiveness is one of the toughest tasks a person may have to do… What about the one who is being asked for forgiveness? The act of forgiving itself, of genuinely letting go of anger, revenge-seeking, && harboring ill-will may be one thousand times harder.

For some, forgiving might be a sign of weakness && a way of saying that what the person who hurt you did was okay. && so people hold on to anger, harboring this resentment && feeding it every time they think of their offender && what he or she did… But what about actions that are unforgivable in many people’s eyes? I don’t want to write them out because they are different && unique for every human, but almost all of us can think of something, that if done to us or someone we loved, would be near impossible to forgive. What then? Does that condemn us to a life of housing a poison in our bodies that is impossible to eradicate?

I don’t think so.

I think forgiveness can manifest itself in different ways. The most obvious way is to communicate it && to verbally say to someone that you are willing to move forward, && thus not seek revenge or continue to dwell on his or her wrongdoing. && you can tell them that you will begin to take steps away from having this eat away at your insides, that you will not feed the anger monster. That you will at the very least try.

But… I also don’t think words need to be spoken or written directly to experience the cleansing effects for the one extending it. After all, forgiveness is much more personal && individual than we make it out to be. It really is a one-sided show. Maybe you can never physically confront someone who wounded you because simply seeing them would cause unwanted emotions. The healing effects that time constructed would be painfully ripped away. Pain like this feels raw after years && years of space and distance.

Question what it does to you when you let anger, && resentment suck you down. When you sit with your thoughts, what happens? Your mood likely sinks, maybe you have fifty different imagined conversations with the person, going back, again && again, to recreate what you would say if you were to see them. Each time you think about them you end up feeling worse.

Next time thoughts arise about someone, or the situation they were involved in, ask yourself what it does when you buy into these negative thoughts? What does anger turn you into? && most importantly, is this who you want to be, once you’ve let it completely consume you??

Now, ask yourself this: “If I had the patience of a Saint && the non-jaded heart of a child, what would I tell this person?” 

Write it down! Every word that is coming from this place of compassion, love, && of ultimate forgiveness. && once you’ve exhausted your words && most likely covered your piece of paper in tears, burn it. Tear it into tiny pieces && light it on fire. && as you watch it burn out, know that the part of you who is completely capable of ultimate forgiveness does exist. Even if that part is never manifested in the real world, the words you wrote from that incredibly compassionate place came from somewhere. From a part of you, no matter how deeply hidden.

As humans, we’re all very capable of forgiving immensely painful actions. This is very true because, as much as we think we have our shit together, we are all fallible && imperfect. Every last one of us, one day, will be on the receiving end. Be a perpetrator of compassion && understanding. It can be a wonderful thing for the receiver… But for those who give it, a transformation is likely to happen: cleansing, releasing, && letting go. It is the purging of poison to move forward in a more peaceful && sane way.

Final thought: Ask how forgiving you are of yourself. How often are you self-critical, chastising your actions, or self-deprecating due to a mistake? We are all very guilty of this. See if you can come from a place of compassion when dealing with your mistakes. 

We are all human. Tell this to yourself more often. Tell yourself that you will grow from any misstep. You will try harder && do better if confronted with the same situation. But also refuse to be your own biggest bully. It is a commendable thing to forgive others, but forgiving yourself is an action that takes much more patience && strength. But honestly, if there is anyone in this world worth forgiving because you love them so much, shouldn’t it be your own Self?

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”

-Mark Twain